Friday, December 5, 2008

International Brooklyn Bagel Day

They made me an everything bagel with egg, bacon, swiss cheese and butter at Marcello's this morning. And I got to say, it was a reasonable, respectable bagel, and they tried very hard to do what they could with that bagel to make it taste good. And I would've enjoyed it, if not for the nostalgia that, like a clever assassin on a December night, had sneaked* up close behind my back and, holding its breath, plunged the full length of a knife of chagrin into my heart. I thought of Brooklyn Bagels.

Figure 1. A Brooklyn Bagel -- picture courtesy of Katheryn Rice 

The Brooklyn Bagel... it's the mother of all bagels, it is also their father, their rabbi and a shining star of hope for all of us humble bagel-loving mortals all over the globe. To compare any other bagel to a Brooklyn Bagel is automatic blasphemy, punishable by anathema from the Brooklyn Bagel to full extent of the law. Few people know it, but the Obama'08 logo actually portrays a celestial Brooklyn Bagel with a strip of bacon on it. What better than a Brooklyn bagel to inspire hope?

Figure 2. Brooklyn Bagel in popular culture

So I hope that you agree with me by now that the Brooklyn Bagel is God's parting gift to Creation. And if you do, I hope you will also be outraged that we still don't have an International Brooklyn Bagel Day. It's really a shame, isn't it, that we are ready to celebrate anything and everything but the important things in life that make us the people we are. Well, no more, I say, no more, my brethren in bagel! I hereby declare today, December 5th, the International Brooklyn Bagel Day. I say, we need to raise Brooklyn Bagel awareness on this continent and across the world and then, one day, the world may be a better place, a place in which there's a place** for delicious substance and a place*** for void. As an added bonus, the International Brooklyn Bagel Day will in the long run replace the lame and laughable Day of the Ninja which by a strange twist of fate is on the same day.

So go get your own Brooklyn Bagel and let's celebrate! If you don't have a Brooklyn nearby, give a call to these guys here at Brownstone Bread and Bagel Co (personally approved by me). I'm sure they won't mind throwing several dozen bagels in a cardboard box and shipping them to you overnight. And when they do, please don't forget to share a bagel with your UPS delivery man -- the Brooklyn Bagel Day is about bagels, but it's also about sharing. Why would God put a hole in a bagel otherwise?

And now, take your Brooklyn Bagel into your right hand and say the customary Oath of Allegiance to Brooklyn Bagel, after which I will be finally able to pronounce you man and bagel, till death do you part. Hint: it will probably be due to an artery clogged thanks to the delicious fat and carbs of a Brooklyn Bagel. There are worse ways to die.
* Apparently, "sneaked" is the correct past and past perfect participle form of the verb to sneak. Oxford dictionary goes on to mention that, indeed, the form "snuck" (which sounds much more natural to me) had appeared about a century ago in American English and had been looked down at as jocular and uneducated ever since. Today, interestingly enough, "snuck" is used as often as "sneaked" and has been unofficially accepted as an alternative -- but, of course, not in Britain, where "it is unmistakably taken to be a jocular or non-standard form". Well, of course, if you have been reading this blog long enough you know that it's all about sophistication of the highest degree, so we certainly cannot allow our readers' eyes to be insulted by the usage of the form "snuck". In fact, from now on, when you are reading these blog entries to yourself, imagine me speaking with an aristocratic High British accent. Because you, my dear reader, deserve no less. Incidentally, here's a link to the cucumber bagel sandwich recipe .

** This phrase has been nominated for a Guinness record for "most uses of word 'place' within a meaningful 8-word sentence segment".

*** And also most uses of word 'place' within a meaningful 14-word sentence segment.

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